Friday, April 18, 2014


It doesn’t matter what my waist measures or that my shirt clings in all the wrong places. I no longer have the inclination to care. Bigger things are happening. Today I am electric. I am a force of nature. She did it. She made me see. 

Today, for some time now, and for some time to come, I center myself in the world of my daughter and find my self’s most vital purpose. I sit on the warm ground of her soul, and spread my arms wide. I give her all that’s inside me. I live to watch her dance around the living room, find her fragile footing, and then take flight. Where’s a better salary than this? 

I spent a good part of 20 years struggling to find meaning in the daily things I did. Now I get up every day knowing the objective - to grow a human.  Oh, she emerged from my belly more than a year ago, but I still grow her. 

She’s here because of agency and grace: I wanted her, her father loved me, God blessed me, and - finally - she chose us. It’s that last one that counts the most. I’m in awe of her courage and her fight. She calls me Mama and reaches up, and I know I am her universe. I am her source for all. That won’t last. 

So I will grab my ladle and lap up as much as my tired, aching body will digest. My body is desperate for a long, quiet sit. But in the final analysis, today I’ve never been more important and more perfect than in the eyes of my girl. I love her for that. I love her for all of it. And quiet sits are all I'll have in another 20 years. No. Today I will not want that. Today I want her. As much as I can get.